Aging in Place: Living in My Own Home as I Grow Older

Photo: Karen Sheahan

Focus talk given on 19th April 2018 on the topic of "Aging in Place: The Village Movement"
      —Carol Goldman



Carol has been a member of TOP/WE for 40 years. She has served on the board several times. She has often led the planning process for creating upcoming series. She has given several focus talks. She has authored a chapter in the book "Sacred Dimensions of Women's Experience". She is an exhibiting artist; she has created and presented stories of women in the scriptures; she is well known as a mental health advocate.


     I want to share thoughts about where I want to live as I age. I welcome the inspiration of Atul Gawande’s 2014 book Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End (New York, Penguin Books, 2014). Atul is a surgeon at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. He regrets that older individuals often do not get information that would enable them (and their families) to make appropriate decisions about their medical treatment and locations where they might live. Atul writes that he was grateful that “how [his grandfather] wanted to live was his choice. … For most of human history … elders were cared for in multigenerational systems, often with three generations living under one roof. … [The] elderly were not left to cope with the infirmities of age on their own” (pp.16-17). Now “choices for the elderly have proliferated” (p. 21).
     I am seventy-eight years old. I own and live in a duplex townhouse condominium in Watertown, MA. The condo complex has twelve units grouped together. I pay a condo fee every month. The condo association arranges for landscaping, shoveling, and other management details. My neighbors and I look out for each other’s condo when we take trips.
     I have gone through a decision-making process. From my current perspective, I am clear that if I am physically and emotionally able, I want to continue living in my condominium as long as I can.
     Several factors determine my decision. Whatever one’s decision, there are tasks and arrangements that may need to be carried out now. I often feel overwhelmed as I outline these steps. As I reviewed what I had written for today, I wondered if I could and would carry out the tasks needed to help me achieve my short and long-term goals.
     I hope that each person will go through their own decision-making process.
     I have been married to my current husband, eighty years old, for forty-five years. We have lived in the condo for forty years. We brought up our children in the condo. The children moved out in various stages before they attended college.
     My husband has developed many physical issues. He recently underwent three hospitalizations for different reasons and stayed for twenty-eight days in-patient at a treatment center in Brighton, MA for rehabilitation of a dislocated shoulder.
     My attempts to carry on conversations with my husband about where we might live as we age have met with brief responses. My husband thinks that he will die soon at home or in a hospital and does not need to go through an extended decision-making process. I estimate living for fifteen more years. He stresses his concern that running the condo without him would be a strain on me. He wishes I would consider a continuum of care option starting with independent living (that would have assisted living and nursing care facilities on the same campus). That option does not appeal to me; I am competent to live at home alone and arrange for help and companionship as I need it. I want to have as much independence as possible and make informed decisions about my own life.
     I am currently competent to live at home alone.
     To enter the condo from the street entrance, you go up three steps from the ground. Inside the condo has three levels. The ground level has a half bathroom, a kitchen, and a combined living/dining room area. There is a small outside back porch with a big shared back yard. The full bathroom, linen closet, master bedroom, and two small rooms are on the top level; you go up a large flight of twisting stairs to get there. In the basement are the washer/dryer, file cabinets, book shelves, a storage pantry, closets, and two desks with large personal computers; you go down a steep stairway to get to the basement.
     When I had both hips replaced starting in 2010 (four years apart), it was a struggle to get up the stairs to the bedroom. I stayed in a rehabilitation facility until I could climb the stairs. I have several accommodations in place like grab bars in the shower, bars on the raised toilet seat, and banisters on the stairs. If I were older and living alone, I might rearrange the house for more compactness.
     We decided not to do work inside of the house. Last year we had all the windows in the home replaced for safety and efficiency measures. I might have other work done on the house if it would be useful to me.
     Over the years, my husband and I have accumulated a lot of “stuff”. After a lecture in a WomenExplore Series dealing with the importance of confronting one’s stuff, I found a center that focuses on the skills useful for dealing with hoarding. Since 2012, I have attended various classes and groups on de-cluttering. I hired a woman who specializes in downsizing to come to my home and help me with this challenge. Working together, we have made progress in sorting and discarding items. Organizing my stuff is a priority. I want there to be room for providers, service people, companions, family, and friends to visit my home. Now I meet most people outside my home. I do not want to be isolated as I age. I want to ensure that my home meets safety codes. I want my condo to be accessible to me as I become more restricted physically.
     The accessibility of my home is a factor in its suitability for me as I age.
     My fifty-year old son, a lawyer, lives in San Francisco, CA; he travels extensively. My forty-nine-year old married daughter lives in Boulder, CO with her two children, ages seven and ten. Both of my children lead very busy lives. I wish to stay in my home in Watertown.
     Every few months, I meet with my younger brother, who lives nearby, and have informed him of my wishes. He has agreed to help me manage my over-all living arrangements if something happens to my husband and if I request help. My cousin has agreed to be a back up to my brother. My brother and cousin have both agreed to be my health care proxy and durable power of attorney if needed.
     We regularly visit my husband’s family who live in the Nahant, MA area. I attend occasional functions hosted by my own family who live in the Newton-Brookline area. I feel that running my home as I age will be my job with help as needed. My local families will undertake minimal hands-on tasks and social visits.
     Availability and interest of my family is a factor in my choice.
     Financially, because of a trust, social security benefits, and long-term financial investments made with my financial planner in conjunction with my husband, I have the money to pay for several choices which could be very expensive.
     I am financially secure in exploring options.
     I have a very active life in my current location. Although I do not drive, I utilize the local taxi services. I go as a helper when I travel with my husband, who qualifies for the MBTA Ride.
     I utilize several medical and mental-health professionals in this area. When they retire or leave, they refer me to excellent replacements within their departments. I am happy with my extensive body-work practitioners nearby: my personal trainer at my athletic club, my physical therapist, my chiropractor, my massage healer. I appreciate the familiarity and consistency I have with my providers.
     I have made several friends in the Boston area with whom I maintain active relationships.
     I like having my Watertown condo as my “home” base. I enjoy traveling and attending retreats. I will continue to travel as much as I can.
     Location and transportation options are important to me.
     I have belonged to several communities for over forty years: My husband and I participate in a Reform Jewish congregation in Belmont, MA. We attend services, classes, and special events. I belong to a separate more participatory Jewish Renewal congregation in Waltham, MA which I attend on my own.
     At WomenExplore, I have created rituals, delivered written and oral presentations, served on the board, led lecture-planning and Advisory Committee sessions. I currently answer any telephone enquiries.
     I regularly attend my Wellesley College Class of 1962 and my Newton High School Class of 1958 reunions.
     Local community is important to me.
     I thank the WomenExplore Advisory Committee for including the topic: “Aging in Place” as part of our “Exploring…” Series. I have resisted thinking about my living arrangements as I grow older. This topic has helped me clarify my priorities. However, I am reassured that there are several programs and resources available to me on this upcoming journey.

Feeling at Home During My Life’s Journey

— Talk by Emmy K. Robertson, 10th May 2012

Feeling at home during my life’s journey has certainly been helped in recent years by being a member of WomenExplore. Finding a spiritual home with women who identify themselves as feminists is so deeply satisfying that it can actually bring tears to my eyes. Feeling at home means being understood for who one is without pretense or artifice. What a blessing all of you are to me. How thankful I am to be able to be a part of this organization. I am at home here.

But, feeling at home? Hmm, do I? Have I always felt at home? What does this mean? I sat down to write about this with some consternation , but also with a smile and some humor. Feeling at home is so basic to me that  it may be hard to delve into.

My childhood was divided into two parts based on where I lived. The first seven years were spent in a little house where I had to share a room with my sister who was disapproving and hostile towards me. We had an invisible line drawn the center of our room. Either of us could do whatever we wished while on our side of the line, but must abide by the other’s rules when we were on her side. I had to cross Sue’s side of the room to get in or out. However, this house was located on a block where over 100 kids lived, so the possibilities of playing outside were endless and fun. At the end of first grade we moved about a mile away into a new house where Sue and I each had our own rooms, but where there were at the most three kids in the neighborhood my age to play with.

Life was difficult in the new house. Looking back I know that my mother had bi-polar disease and was coping as best she could, however, the reality of daily life could be quite grim. Because I now had my own room, I could retreat there whenever I wished and I had an active private life where I felt right at home.

When I have spoken to this group in the past I have shared the incredible experience I had while still in the crib under the age of three. It was an experience of feeling a oneness with the universe and of knowing God’s endless love. I did not have words to express this experience until I was in my 30s, but I lived it each day of my childhood. We have gotten to hear Liz Dodson-Gray and Jadzia Allison recount almost identical childhood experiences which is a tantalizing subject all in itself, but not for today. Anyway, this experience provided me with a deep and very private mental and spiritual life.

 I had had childhood allergies and many many rashes which were treated with an ointment that came in a cobalt blue jar, so early on I would look at cobalt blue glass and be comforted. Any of you who have been in my home know that I have cobalt blue glass pieces in my kitchen window. I look at them every day, sometimes many times a day and I am at peace.

Once I turned 18 I left home to go to school and began a nomadic life of moving, getting familiar with my surroundings and then moving on once again. However, I knew that no matter how strange the place I was setting up housekeeping in was, it would soon feel like home to me because I also knew that the words, ‘home is where the heart is’ were literally true, and my heart was always with me no matter where I was. I had my oneness with the universe memory, my cobalt blue glass and my private interior life. They were always with me providing comfort and strength to me when I needed it.

Somewhere along the way I came to believe that God wants us (me) to continue learning and changing all of our (my) lives. I had some clear examples of this in my beloved grandmother and in Mrs Gerlinger whom I admired tremendously and for whose children I babysat for several times a week throughout my teen years. Both of these role models gave me wonderful advice and examples of how to live successful, productive lives, but unfortunately for both of them they felt that their best years had been lived while they were in college. Observing this taught me that I must never lock in, I must never think that sometime in my past had been my best time. I have really taken this to heart and I still believe that it is the fascinating possibilities of today and tomorrow that are if interest and not what has transpired in the past.

Besides looking at cobalt blue glass everyday, there are some other things that I endeavor to keep in my daily life that help me feel at home and grounded as time moves on. Friends who have known me for a long time always laugh when they first visit me in a new home. The reason for that is that the kitchen is always white and there are always the cobalt blue accents. I love order and while my drawers and cupboards may not be as organized  as they might be, the rooms in which I live are most always free from clutter and disorder. It is very important to me to live this way and I will feel uneasy and nervous if I cannot maintain that order. I also need a place in my home surroundings where I can rest my eye and relax my focus.

Having a flower garden is also very important to me in making me feel at home where ever I live. I love color. I love the intense colors found in flowers because  they remind me that nothing lasts forever, that life is always changing and that I need to make time to enjoy what is around me in the present. 

Although it is not possible to have fresh flowers in my yard or in my house at all times, it is possible for me to enjoy intense colors at any time by using a kaleidoscope. I received my first kaleidoscope when I was very young and looking through it calms me and makes me remember the peace that is to be found in solitude. 

Enough of the material possessions and surroundings! While they are crucial to my sense of feeling at home where ever I am living, they are not the most important criteria.

I need my friends, family and husband to also make me feel at home. I need daily interactions with other people and this has been an issue for me thorough out my lifetime. I need the give and take, I need the untidiness of other people’s opinions and behavior to really feel a sense of being at home. I need  messiness within boundaries, I need chaos that can be stilled. I need the unexpectedness of someone else's needs and demands. At different times in my lifetime this has been hard for me to achieve as I don’t find that people seek me out. The phone doesn’t ring  much in my house. I am the one who most often needs to reach out and make contact. I do not know why this is so, but it is. This is a great regret of mine because I can become very isolated if I don’t take the initiative to reach out.

I was thrilled when Sunday Conversations needed a new home and I could volunteer my house. Having those of you who attend Sunday Conversations actually come into my home and feel comfortable and secure is a tremendous gift for me. I thank each and everyone of you.

As an artist I have to work alone. I could not produce any work if I weren’t alone, but then I suffer from being isolated and long for companionship. It’s the ying and the yang and I have a very hard time finding balance.

To somewhat compensate for this ease in becoming isolated, I like to have a dog living with me, too. This has not always been possible when I was in the workforce, but it happily has been the case for the past 17 years. A dog is a great companion in its sloppy, demanding way. Much can be said for this pet whose very nature is to create messiness and chaos. It is very calming for me to attend to those demanding needs and to be rewarded by a wagging tail.

Finally living with the ‘right’ person, namely, my husband, Mike, has validated my sense of feeling at home because Mike also likes to live in an orderly house full of visual stimulation and calming order. This style of living has not come naturally to Mike as his  inclination is toward hoarding and chaos. I am barely able to enter his office at church because of its clutter. However, we have been able to come together in agreement and willingness to keep a serene environment for me to flourish in. I think this is possible because Mike knows that living within my parameters is so key for my psyche that it simply would not be possible for us to be together were our home any different than it is.

Finding my center as I grow older is a challenge these days. I am still recovering from being way too busy, but at the same time I berate myself for not doing more with my art such as entering shows and writing a book about it, let alone creating a web site. I am often my own worst enemy because I guilt trip myself about things I don’t really want to do. I am restless these days, more so than I have been for some time, but I will tough it out and see what happens.