Poem: I Dare You

by Dorianne Laux

It’s autumn, and we’re getting rid 

of books, getting ready to retire, 
to move some place smaller, more 
manageable. We’re living in reverse, 
age-proofing the new house, nothing 
on the floors to trip over, no hindrances 
to the slowed mechanisms of our bodies, 
a small table for two. Our world is 
shrinking, our closets mostly empty, 
gone the tight skirts and dancing shoes, 
the bells and whistles. Now, when 
someone comes to visit and admires 
our complete works of Shakespeare, 
the hawk feather in the open dictionary, 
the iron angel on a shelf, we say 
take them. This is the most important 
time of all, the age of divestment, 
knowing what we leave behind is 
like the fragrance of blossoming trees 
that grows stronger after 
you’ve passed them, breathing 
them in for a moment before 
breathing them out. An ordinary 
Tuesday when one of you says 
I dare you, and the other one 
just laughs.

 Copyright © 2023 by Dorianne Laux. Originally published in Poem-a-Day on April 4, 2023, by the Academy of American Poets.

“‘I Dare You’ was written while in the midst of downsizing from a large house in Raleigh, North Carolina, where I taught at North Carolina State for thirteen years, to a small home in California where we retired. I had a party for my grad students and told them they could survey the house and take anything that caught their eye or fancy. They filed out the door with a white lace parasol, a red sequined cocktail dress, a tin angel, throw pillows, canned vegetables, rolled up rugs, pictures, potted plants, towels, posters and coasters of Dolly Parton, Mick Jagger, David Bowie, and Cher, the dining room table, and a roll of toilet paper. It was exhilarating! All that ‘stuff’ gone from my life. I’m a poet, so I wrote a poem about it. But it’s also a poem about aging and accepting that you too will be carried out like a broken lamp and buried in the dump we call a graveyard, or scattered into a plot of land, or poured out over the ocean. This exodus was somehow a preparation for the acceptance of this fact. I did not expect the final line, but when it came, I knew that other world I had belonged to was coming to a close. Youth. Remember when you’d do anything on a dare? On a whim? And that feeling of Why not? Poof. What remains between us is mirth.”
—Dorianne Laux

 

23S Week 2: Aging with Wisdom: Opportunities and Challenges

Click here for Introduction, including a Brief History of TOP/WomenExplore,

and the Poetry Reading with all three contributors.

Ival Stratford Kovner

Ival and Ron sitting at Trail Train Stop NY State with Cole

 

This was written by an A. I. on request by my husband, Ron - we were curious how Artificial Intelligence would write about a trail it never could or would hike!  (Click on the image to read it.)

AppalachiANNA was originally written on the 75th birthday of the Appalachian Trail

 Appalachianna 
- Ival Stratford Kovner MS, MFA

Old girl, you have been there through three - now four - decades of our memories. 

My family hiked along your route at Cornwall Bridge to meet my future husband in the Nutmeg State. 

He and I camped along  your sections near “Height of the Land”. 

We encountered  breath-taking vistas overlooking the Lakes of Rangeley.

We’ve made tracks in your mud.

We’ve made long parallel ski lines in your snow. 

You shielded us - extending limbs of multi-colored leaves.

You’ve exposed your contours through grey, barren branches.

Your Balance Rock in Maine is a joy! 

We were dwarfed perched upon your giant, granite shelf.

Presidentials are your buddies. 

We’ve felt you curl yourself around their winding ridges as we climbed.

Our old springer spent seventeen good years along your byways, always running.

She once encountered a  baby moose in your Granite State.

You have not disappointed us in nearby “Big Apple”  New York State:

Cats Rock, wooden marsh walkways, even a train station solely for your hikers. 

I’ve gathered  rocks along your well worn paths, deposited into my husband’s backpack! 

One more, beloved springer puppy dashed along your marshes on your 75th birthday! 

Today, I hold each smooth stone, a  reminder of your beauty, my dear Appalachianna, 

Happy eighty-sixth birthday in 2023!

Our newest puppy springer waits to sniff your trail !

The trail will be 86 on 8/12/23. 
Youngest female recently finished -age 15.
A 76 year old  female had 300 miles to go!

Karen Sheahan was a flight attendant for 35 years

and brings a global view.

Lindsa Vallee's poetry told the story of a self-sown sunflower seed that grew to 

the height of her second floor porch and remained strong even after its leaves 

had dried up and its drooping head was bursting with seeds that fed the birds.

Two corellas share a sunflower head

Click here for lecture by Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle

Olivia Ames Hoblitzelle, a writer and teacher, was formerly the Associate Director of the Mind/Body Clinic and a Teaching Fellow of the Mind/Body Medical Institute, where she pioneered how to bring meditation, yoga, and cognitive behavioral therapy into the medical domain to treat stress-related and chronic illness. She and her team developed one of the first training programs in Mind/Body medicine in the country and trained health professionals under the auspices of Harvard Medical School.

Formerly a therapist in private practice and a Co-Director of Greenhouse, an alternative mental health collective, Olivia worked with individuals, couples, and groups. She also spent years serving as a Hospice volunteer.

Olivia's teaching and writing are inspired by over forty years of practice in psychology, Buddhist meditation, and other wisdom traditions. In addition to her roots in Christianity, she has practiced primarily Vipassana (Insight Meditation) and Tibetan Buddhism, as well as in a devotional tradition from India. 

Having taught contemplative practices in a wide variety of settings such as government agencies, hospitals, churches, businesses, school systems, and meditation centers, she is currently focusing on conscious aging, elder issues, and living the contemplative life.

Her award winning book, Ten Thousand Joys & Ten Thousand Sorrows: A Couple's Journey Through Alzheimer's, is a narrative memoir of how she and her husband handled his illness, drawing inspiration from their background in Buddhist practice. Her book was translated into Chinese, Korean, Dutch, and Japanese, and recorded for the National Library Service for the Blind. Now an elder with two grown children and four grandsons, she lives in Massachusetts and loves to spend time in Vermont where she grows vegetables, welcomes family and friends, and steeps herself in the glories of nature.

References:

Prayer for the Grace to Age Well  By Teilhard de Chardin, The Divine Milieu

When the signs of age begin to mark my body, and still more when they touch my mind, 

When the illness that is to diminish me or carry me off strikes from without or is born within me;

When the painful moment comes to which I suddenly awaken to the fact that I am growing ill or growing old; and

Above all at the last moment when I feel I am losing hold of myself and am absolutely passive within the hands of the great unknown forces that have formed me,

In all these dark moments, 0 God,

Grant that I may understand that it is you—provided only my faith is strong enough—

who is painfully parting the fibers of my being in order to penetrate to the very marrow of my substance and bear me away within yourself.

Henri Nouwen, Dutch priest and author 

Winter Grace: Spirituality and Aging by Kathleen R Fischer

Jon Kabat-Zinn's website

The Guest House by Jalaluddin Rumi

Aging in Place: Living in My Own Home as I Grow Older

Photo: Karen Sheahan

Focus talk given on 19th April 2018 on the topic of "Aging in Place: The Village Movement"
      —Carol Goldman



Carol has been a member of TOP/WE for 40 years. She has served on the board several times. She has often led the planning process for creating upcoming series. She has given several focus talks. She has authored a chapter in the book "Sacred Dimensions of Women's Experience". She is an exhibiting artist; she has created and presented stories of women in the scriptures; she is well known as a mental health advocate.


     I want to share thoughts about where I want to live as I age. I welcome the inspiration of Atul Gawande’s 2014 book Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End (New York, Penguin Books, 2014). Atul is a surgeon at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston. He regrets that older individuals often do not get information that would enable them (and their families) to make appropriate decisions about their medical treatment and locations where they might live. Atul writes that he was grateful that “how [his grandfather] wanted to live was his choice. … For most of human history … elders were cared for in multigenerational systems, often with three generations living under one roof. … [The] elderly were not left to cope with the infirmities of age on their own” (pp.16-17). Now “choices for the elderly have proliferated” (p. 21).
     I am seventy-eight years old. I own and live in a duplex townhouse condominium in Watertown, MA. The condo complex has twelve units grouped together. I pay a condo fee every month. The condo association arranges for landscaping, shoveling, and other management details. My neighbors and I look out for each other’s condo when we take trips.
     I have gone through a decision-making process. From my current perspective, I am clear that if I am physically and emotionally able, I want to continue living in my condominium as long as I can.
     Several factors determine my decision. Whatever one’s decision, there are tasks and arrangements that may need to be carried out now. I often feel overwhelmed as I outline these steps. As I reviewed what I had written for today, I wondered if I could and would carry out the tasks needed to help me achieve my short and long-term goals.
     I hope that each person will go through their own decision-making process.
     I have been married to my current husband, eighty years old, for forty-five years. We have lived in the condo for forty years. We brought up our children in the condo. The children moved out in various stages before they attended college.
     My husband has developed many physical issues. He recently underwent three hospitalizations for different reasons and stayed for twenty-eight days in-patient at a treatment center in Brighton, MA for rehabilitation of a dislocated shoulder.
     My attempts to carry on conversations with my husband about where we might live as we age have met with brief responses. My husband thinks that he will die soon at home or in a hospital and does not need to go through an extended decision-making process. I estimate living for fifteen more years. He stresses his concern that running the condo without him would be a strain on me. He wishes I would consider a continuum of care option starting with independent living (that would have assisted living and nursing care facilities on the same campus). That option does not appeal to me; I am competent to live at home alone and arrange for help and companionship as I need it. I want to have as much independence as possible and make informed decisions about my own life.
     I am currently competent to live at home alone.
     To enter the condo from the street entrance, you go up three steps from the ground. Inside the condo has three levels. The ground level has a half bathroom, a kitchen, and a combined living/dining room area. There is a small outside back porch with a big shared back yard. The full bathroom, linen closet, master bedroom, and two small rooms are on the top level; you go up a large flight of twisting stairs to get there. In the basement are the washer/dryer, file cabinets, book shelves, a storage pantry, closets, and two desks with large personal computers; you go down a steep stairway to get to the basement.
     When I had both hips replaced starting in 2010 (four years apart), it was a struggle to get up the stairs to the bedroom. I stayed in a rehabilitation facility until I could climb the stairs. I have several accommodations in place like grab bars in the shower, bars on the raised toilet seat, and banisters on the stairs. If I were older and living alone, I might rearrange the house for more compactness.
     We decided not to do work inside of the house. Last year we had all the windows in the home replaced for safety and efficiency measures. I might have other work done on the house if it would be useful to me.
     Over the years, my husband and I have accumulated a lot of “stuff”. After a lecture in a WomenExplore Series dealing with the importance of confronting one’s stuff, I found a center that focuses on the skills useful for dealing with hoarding. Since 2012, I have attended various classes and groups on de-cluttering. I hired a woman who specializes in downsizing to come to my home and help me with this challenge. Working together, we have made progress in sorting and discarding items. Organizing my stuff is a priority. I want there to be room for providers, service people, companions, family, and friends to visit my home. Now I meet most people outside my home. I do not want to be isolated as I age. I want to ensure that my home meets safety codes. I want my condo to be accessible to me as I become more restricted physically.
     The accessibility of my home is a factor in its suitability for me as I age.
     My fifty-year old son, a lawyer, lives in San Francisco, CA; he travels extensively. My forty-nine-year old married daughter lives in Boulder, CO with her two children, ages seven and ten. Both of my children lead very busy lives. I wish to stay in my home in Watertown.
     Every few months, I meet with my younger brother, who lives nearby, and have informed him of my wishes. He has agreed to help me manage my over-all living arrangements if something happens to my husband and if I request help. My cousin has agreed to be a back up to my brother. My brother and cousin have both agreed to be my health care proxy and durable power of attorney if needed.
     We regularly visit my husband’s family who live in the Nahant, MA area. I attend occasional functions hosted by my own family who live in the Newton-Brookline area. I feel that running my home as I age will be my job with help as needed. My local families will undertake minimal hands-on tasks and social visits.
     Availability and interest of my family is a factor in my choice.
     Financially, because of a trust, social security benefits, and long-term financial investments made with my financial planner in conjunction with my husband, I have the money to pay for several choices which could be very expensive.
     I am financially secure in exploring options.
     I have a very active life in my current location. Although I do not drive, I utilize the local taxi services. I go as a helper when I travel with my husband, who qualifies for the MBTA Ride.
     I utilize several medical and mental-health professionals in this area. When they retire or leave, they refer me to excellent replacements within their departments. I am happy with my extensive body-work practitioners nearby: my personal trainer at my athletic club, my physical therapist, my chiropractor, my massage healer. I appreciate the familiarity and consistency I have with my providers.
     I have made several friends in the Boston area with whom I maintain active relationships.
     I like having my Watertown condo as my “home” base. I enjoy traveling and attending retreats. I will continue to travel as much as I can.
     Location and transportation options are important to me.
     I have belonged to several communities for over forty years: My husband and I participate in a Reform Jewish congregation in Belmont, MA. We attend services, classes, and special events. I belong to a separate more participatory Jewish Renewal congregation in Waltham, MA which I attend on my own.
     At WomenExplore, I have created rituals, delivered written and oral presentations, served on the board, led lecture-planning and Advisory Committee sessions. I currently answer any telephone enquiries.
     I regularly attend my Wellesley College Class of 1962 and my Newton High School Class of 1958 reunions.
     Local community is important to me.
     I thank the WomenExplore Advisory Committee for including the topic: “Aging in Place” as part of our “Exploring…” Series. I have resisted thinking about my living arrangements as I grow older. This topic has helped me clarify my priorities. However, I am reassured that there are several programs and resources available to me on this upcoming journey.